F is for Friends

So I've changed the title of my blog slightly. Whilst it used to be "Frills, Films, Friends and Foxtrot", it is now merely "Frills, Films and Foxtrot".

Although I could change it without telling anyone and edit previous posts appropriately (I yet to have any followers so I doubt anyone would notice the change), I'd still rather be upfront about the change. I think the title sounds better in its changed state (including "Friends" in the title sounds a bit too treacly and sentimental, and things naturally sound more effective grouped in threes than grouped in fours), but alas that was not the reason I changed it.

The four things to which the original title eluded - lolita fashion, films, my friends and latin and ballroom dancing - were meant to be the four things which make me happy, and indeed they are. But I think I'd prefer the title refer to the things which almost only make me happy and rarely make me sad, and regretably friendships must be excluded from that list.

Before I say anything more I will say that friendships overall are very positive things. My life now that I have friends is so, so much better than before I had friends, and the happiness, support and sense of belonging that you can get from friendships is wonderful.

That said friendships aren't perfect and can be a source of sadness quite unlike any other. I find myself highly sensitised when around friends to an extent that I'm not when around others: suddenly the slightest comment of theirs which doesn't sit right with me can upset me, the slightest strange look or weird inflection in their voice can make me paranoid that I've done something wrong or that they're judging me, and there's a constant feeling of inferiority and that I'm not good enough. When I'm around my friends is when I'm at by far my most internally emotionally volatile.

I also get clingy and possessive with friends in a way that can be unpleasant. To be away from them for any great deal of time can be frustrating and even emotionally painful (I'll often attend things I'm not interested in attending just because I know my friends will be there and I'll get to see them). I'm also possessive in the sense that I want my friends to pay me attention, and I want to feel like I'm even half as important to them as they are to me. It doesn't help that my friendgroup seems to naturally be very unaffectionate: I think I've been hugged at most once in the last three months.

There are other saddening elements of friendship too, but I won't go on about it any more partly because I don't want to seem like I'm moaning (I'm simply just explaining my own viewpoint on things) and partly because ultimately the positives do far outweigh the negatives. Nonetheless I have found that I've needed to develop at least a tiny bit of emotional strength (and also some coping methods, such as how I'll sometimes leave my friends to be on my own for a few minutes if I need so time to recompose myself) in order to cope with the negatives so that I can reap the benefits of those positives.

So whilst friendships do make me happy, including them in the title of the blog seems to be simplifying something that is actually very complex.