And so 2011 year comes to an end. I've seen various bloggers post answers to preset questions about how their year went in various regards. Though I was tempted to do likewise I decided that I'd prefer just to post a few paragraphs instead that address the sort of things those questions usually ask (it also means I can avoid the questions that are either irrelevent to me or are just kind of dumb).
To get this off to a good start: 2011 has without a doubt been the best year of my life thus far. There is no hyperbole in that statement at all, for this year has been the first time in years I've had close friends and the first time I've ever had friends I care about this much, this year has been the first time I've ever felt so able to be myself (I still have some way to go in that regard, but I'm getting nearer), this year has been the first complete year where I've been living away from my family (resulting in loads more independence and freedom) and this year has also resulted in me building up my confidence quite a bit, figuring out to a greater extent who I am (still some way to go in this regard too though) and of course I've expanded my interests quite a lot too.
As far as interests go by far the most major thing to report from this year is my love of lolita fashion. I only learnt about it for the first time back in March or thereabouts. My initial reaction was that I really liked the clothing style but didn't really want to express a particular interest in it thinking most people would react very negatively to me taking an overt interest in it and even wearing the clothing. For various reasons, including the knowledge that one of my friends (who introduced me to lolita in the first place) is very supportive, I eventually expressed an interest in the fashion in August and there hasn't been any turning back since then (though I've yet to wear an outfit out of the house and plan to do so soon).
As far as other interests are concerned, I haven't really payed film as much as attention as I'd have liked though of course have still been watching quite a bit. I've taken a far greater interest in anime than before (at least partly because my friends love anime, but also just generally because I enjoy it a lot), but have lost almost all interest in reading and have been listening to less and less music as the year has progressed. Of course two things that I've got in to quite recently have been boardgaming and Warhammer and I imagine I'll just keep getting more and more interested in these two interests over the next year.
Most memorable day? My most memorable day was the last day of my January exams when in the evening I went out for a meal with Alice, Kingsley, Michael, Eamon, Liz and Richard, and then we went and played cards and The Settlers of Catan at Kingsley's house. It's memorable for a few reasons; it's the first time I spent time with four of those people, it was wonderful being included in the group, it played a major part in helping form the friendships I now value immensely.
Still, many other days and moments are important to me. The first time I spent time alone with Alice: watching all 26 episodes of Escaflowne in one day together. The first time I spent time alone with Kingsley: in my room talking together for a couple hours after a screening. Wearing lolita clothing for the first time when my first ever Bodyline order arrived. The night where I played card and board games with Bhavika, James and Iain right through the night until 5 in the morning and then walked back to campus with Bhavika in the dawn. My first brand dress arriving (Soap Bubbles <3).
As far as next year is concerned I'm not going to make any resolutions. That said there are certainly some things I'd like to do, and so I thought I'd list them here. First and foremost, I'd like to start wearing lolita clothing outside of the house. I doubt I'd ever have the courage to wear it to campus on a day I have lectures, but certainly I'd like to wear it to lolita meets, down in to town with friends and to stuff on campus in intersemester break. I'd like to increase my film-watching quite a bit, and focus my film-watching. I'd like to complete a 2000 point Skaven army (which includes painting them - I will be very surprised if I actually manage to paint them all by the end of the year!). And I'd definitely like to get at least a 2.1 in the second year of my degree (which I'm certainly going to try very, very hard to achieve!).
Happy New Year to everyone reading this! May this next year be kind to you ^.^
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Thursday, 29 December 2011
"Here I was born, and there I died. It was only a moment for you; you took no notice."
I just got back from a screening of Alfred Hitchcock's 1958 masterwork Vertigo. I first saw it roughly two years ago and it instantly became one of my favourites. I'm pleased to say that upon rewatching it it was every bit as entrancing as it was the first time and even more affecting (I was worried that knowing the direction the film takes could detract from the experience, but instead it informs the experience in a way that if anything made the film not less but instead more beguiling). So I feel the urge to say a few words about the film. It should go without saying that from here on in there will be spoilers.
In particular I feel the urge to talk about how watching it this second time rendered itself distinct from the first watch. The first time I watched the film part of why I adored it was that it offers this situation which at first you - just like Scottie - think of as absurd: that Madeleine is possessed. And then Scottie (and thus we) follows her around from place to place and slowly he (and we) begin to think that maybe it's true. Just maybe, it sounds silly, but just maybe she is possessed. And then it stops becoming silly. We end up believing without the slightest reticence that she is possessed by Carlotta. If we didn't believe this totally then the look at Scottie's obsession wouldn't be as completely believeable and - when taken in context of how we too believed she was possessed - profound. Here's the thing though, surely second time round the film wouldn't be able to convince us that Madeleine is possessed? After all we know where the plot is going and we know that in fact the truth is there is nothing supernatural at play in the plot.
When I first watched the film one word sprang instantly to mind: seductive. This word sprang to mind for two reasons. First, it defines what happens to Scottie time and time again in the film; he is seduced by the sight of Madeleine, seduced by the idea of rescuing her, seduced by the idea of making over Judy in Madeleine's image. It also describes what we as an audience go through with the film. As Madeleine walks through the graveyard we're drawn in to the dreamy ambience and air of mystery, as the camera (and Scottie) looks at her in the art galery and draws comparisons between her and the painting it is inviting us to believe, and by the time we get to the hotel where Madeleine goes up to her room and seems to disappear: by that point we have no option but to believe. Because yes there's the possibility that she snuck out and that this is all a ruse, but isn't there something so much more appealing about the mystery inherent in the alternative? The film convinces us to believe what we earlier thought impossible, it's the ultimate act of suspension of disbelief. This is why the film remains so effective even second time round: yes I knew its secrets, but I was still just as seduced by the film and its attempts to suspend my disbelief. And so I believed even though I knew I shouldn't.
There's much that can be said about this film, but there's one more thing I'd really like to say about it and about my experience seeing it again. I remember many of the ways I reacted to Vertigo upon first seeing it, and I certainly don't remember it being such an emotional experience. Seriously, rewatching this film I was absolutely floored by how much emotion there is in it. One scene in particular stands out to me: when Scottie is in Ernie's and he sees Madeleine for the first time. In all honesty, I started to cry a bit. Maybe because it's in this moment, when he first sees her, that he starts to become seduced. Because it's in this moment that his future becomes not a possibility but instead in a sense inevitable. As she walks past the shot cuts from her face to his, both their faces identically positioned relative to the camera. And so we become aware that just as he is watching her so too are we watching the film. And so this is the moment that just as he starts to become seduced so too do we start to become seduced.
In particular I feel the urge to talk about how watching it this second time rendered itself distinct from the first watch. The first time I watched the film part of why I adored it was that it offers this situation which at first you - just like Scottie - think of as absurd: that Madeleine is possessed. And then Scottie (and thus we) follows her around from place to place and slowly he (and we) begin to think that maybe it's true. Just maybe, it sounds silly, but just maybe she is possessed. And then it stops becoming silly. We end up believing without the slightest reticence that she is possessed by Carlotta. If we didn't believe this totally then the look at Scottie's obsession wouldn't be as completely believeable and - when taken in context of how we too believed she was possessed - profound. Here's the thing though, surely second time round the film wouldn't be able to convince us that Madeleine is possessed? After all we know where the plot is going and we know that in fact the truth is there is nothing supernatural at play in the plot.
When I first watched the film one word sprang instantly to mind: seductive. This word sprang to mind for two reasons. First, it defines what happens to Scottie time and time again in the film; he is seduced by the sight of Madeleine, seduced by the idea of rescuing her, seduced by the idea of making over Judy in Madeleine's image. It also describes what we as an audience go through with the film. As Madeleine walks through the graveyard we're drawn in to the dreamy ambience and air of mystery, as the camera (and Scottie) looks at her in the art galery and draws comparisons between her and the painting it is inviting us to believe, and by the time we get to the hotel where Madeleine goes up to her room and seems to disappear: by that point we have no option but to believe. Because yes there's the possibility that she snuck out and that this is all a ruse, but isn't there something so much more appealing about the mystery inherent in the alternative? The film convinces us to believe what we earlier thought impossible, it's the ultimate act of suspension of disbelief. This is why the film remains so effective even second time round: yes I knew its secrets, but I was still just as seduced by the film and its attempts to suspend my disbelief. And so I believed even though I knew I shouldn't.
There's much that can be said about this film, but there's one more thing I'd really like to say about it and about my experience seeing it again. I remember many of the ways I reacted to Vertigo upon first seeing it, and I certainly don't remember it being such an emotional experience. Seriously, rewatching this film I was absolutely floored by how much emotion there is in it. One scene in particular stands out to me: when Scottie is in Ernie's and he sees Madeleine for the first time. In all honesty, I started to cry a bit. Maybe because it's in this moment, when he first sees her, that he starts to become seduced. Because it's in this moment that his future becomes not a possibility but instead in a sense inevitable. As she walks past the shot cuts from her face to his, both their faces identically positioned relative to the camera. And so we become aware that just as he is watching her so too are we watching the film. And so this is the moment that just as he starts to become seduced so too do we start to become seduced.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Favourite Films Discovered in 2011 (part 1)
This is the first of a three part series of blog posts detailing my favourite films that I watched for the first time in 2011. In parts 2 and 3 I will be going through my ten favourite films I watched for the first time this year, but before that I want to do a post of honourable mentions where I will talk about films that though I love I may not necessarily rank among the very best I saw this year. This is more a list of the films that impressed me or left an impact on me in some special way rather than a list of the films that just missed out on the top 10. I've limited myself to choosing just five films for this honourable mentions section.
One of the things I most wanted this section to do is to name films from some directors whose work I've really got in to this year but who have no films in the top 10. This make Mike Leigh's Naked an appropriate choice for two reasons. First, in the last year I've watched nearly every film he's made and Naked stands out as the best without a doubt. Second, it was watching it in January that led me to wanting to watch more of his stuff which was no small feat considering that Mike Leigh is very much an acquired taste and up until that point I was struggling to acquire it. His tv work is largely uninteresting, but almost everything he's made since High Hopes has been great and I'm thankful for Naked leading me to discover this enjoyable and highly idiosyncratic body of work. Naked stands out as an endlessly fascinating film, incredibly bleak (at times feeling like the world is about to end) yet also full of sharp, witty dialogue.
Perhaps one of my bigger regrets as regards this last year's filmwatching was how little experimental and avant-garde cinema I watched. Without a doubt the standout piece from this category has to be Peter Hutton's At Sea which did in fact only just miss out on getting in to my top 10 for the year. As well as being the film that introduced me to his rich and consistently wonderful body of work it also stands as one of the most unique experiences I've had with a film in quite some while as it starts in a South Korean shipyard where a colossal ship is being constructed, follows the ship on its voyages, and finally closes in a maritime grave in Bangladesh. The film is silent for its duration and the only information we're given are the images on screen but these images say so much about the staggering gap between the first world who can afford to have goods shipped over sea on consumable ships for them and the poor in the third world who scrounge beached ships for whatever they can find, or about the our ambition and ability to build such towering monstrosities as the ships in this film which make us look like ants by comparison and how in turn the oceans tower over these ships, or the loneliness of being out on the seas where the water streches for as far as your eyes can see and you sit there with the elements battering the ship for many long days as you travel to your destination.
The last honourable mention that I can directly connect to my exploration of a director's work this year is Vive l'amour, as I've watched a lot of Tsai Ming-liang's films this year and this most definitely stands up there with the best of his work. That's not the main reason it's on this list though. It's on this list principally because of its final scene which I would rank among the greatest scenes ever made and quite possibly the greatest scene I've seen for the first time this year. The film is about a lot of things but in particular just like many of Tsai's films it is largely about urban alienation, the struggle to communicate and the pervasive loneliness and isolation in the modern world. For the most part the film is very well handled, though up until it's ending I probably wouldn't have ranked it among his finest. Then the final scene comes. In it one of the three main characters goes to a park, sits down and bursts in to tears. We see her crying for over five minutes as the camera just sits there and watches. It's an absolutely heartbreaking expression of the pain that these characters are going through internally and in its simplicity has to rank among the most effective things I've seen. This excerpt from an interview perfectly summarises the frustration that caused this film's ending to be as it is and why the ending feels so potent and genuine:
"When I originally wrote the script, I wanted a ray of hope at the end. And so the original ending of the film was, after walking and walking and walking in the park, the woman decides that yes, she would like to extend her hand and ask for love. So she goes back to the apartment and waits for the sleeping man. That was the original ending. Then I waited for the new park to open in Taipei. And when it opened, I saw that it was the same as a few days before, nothing had changed. It was in no shape to open, but it opened. And with that disappointment in my heart, there was no way I could shoot the original ending. And so this is how the ending came about."
Placing Steamboat Bill Jr. on this list feels a bit odd. It's a wonderful film, definitely. It's wonderful in that way that many Buster Keaton films are wonderful, full of charm, humour and this sense of poetry in showing someone persevering against all obstacles in his path even if the odds are inevitably wildly not in his favour. So I enjoyed it very, very much, but nothing about the film itself makes it worthy of this list seeing as it has so much in common with the other great films from Buster Keaton. This film is on this list not just because I very much enjoyed it, but also due to the context under which I very enjoyed it: down in Bath in one of the gardens, sitting on a blanket watching a nighttime outdoors screening of this and One Week among an audience that seemed to be having just as good a time as I was. It was a lovely evening.
Last of all, possibly the film I most look forward to seeing again. Urszula Antoniak's Nothing Personal isn't among my very favourite films of the year, but I did love it quite a bit. The mood of the film is wonderful, you can feel it undulating and pulsating, but the film is also very charming and its look at solitude was something I could really connect with. The more I think about it though the more it grows on me and the more I have the urge to revisit it. I think I've become aware over the last several months about on quite how personal a level this films speaks to some parts of me.
One of the things I most wanted this section to do is to name films from some directors whose work I've really got in to this year but who have no films in the top 10. This make Mike Leigh's Naked an appropriate choice for two reasons. First, in the last year I've watched nearly every film he's made and Naked stands out as the best without a doubt. Second, it was watching it in January that led me to wanting to watch more of his stuff which was no small feat considering that Mike Leigh is very much an acquired taste and up until that point I was struggling to acquire it. His tv work is largely uninteresting, but almost everything he's made since High Hopes has been great and I'm thankful for Naked leading me to discover this enjoyable and highly idiosyncratic body of work. Naked stands out as an endlessly fascinating film, incredibly bleak (at times feeling like the world is about to end) yet also full of sharp, witty dialogue.
Perhaps one of my bigger regrets as regards this last year's filmwatching was how little experimental and avant-garde cinema I watched. Without a doubt the standout piece from this category has to be Peter Hutton's At Sea which did in fact only just miss out on getting in to my top 10 for the year. As well as being the film that introduced me to his rich and consistently wonderful body of work it also stands as one of the most unique experiences I've had with a film in quite some while as it starts in a South Korean shipyard where a colossal ship is being constructed, follows the ship on its voyages, and finally closes in a maritime grave in Bangladesh. The film is silent for its duration and the only information we're given are the images on screen but these images say so much about the staggering gap between the first world who can afford to have goods shipped over sea on consumable ships for them and the poor in the third world who scrounge beached ships for whatever they can find, or about the our ambition and ability to build such towering monstrosities as the ships in this film which make us look like ants by comparison and how in turn the oceans tower over these ships, or the loneliness of being out on the seas where the water streches for as far as your eyes can see and you sit there with the elements battering the ship for many long days as you travel to your destination.
The last honourable mention that I can directly connect to my exploration of a director's work this year is Vive l'amour, as I've watched a lot of Tsai Ming-liang's films this year and this most definitely stands up there with the best of his work. That's not the main reason it's on this list though. It's on this list principally because of its final scene which I would rank among the greatest scenes ever made and quite possibly the greatest scene I've seen for the first time this year. The film is about a lot of things but in particular just like many of Tsai's films it is largely about urban alienation, the struggle to communicate and the pervasive loneliness and isolation in the modern world. For the most part the film is very well handled, though up until it's ending I probably wouldn't have ranked it among his finest. Then the final scene comes. In it one of the three main characters goes to a park, sits down and bursts in to tears. We see her crying for over five minutes as the camera just sits there and watches. It's an absolutely heartbreaking expression of the pain that these characters are going through internally and in its simplicity has to rank among the most effective things I've seen. This excerpt from an interview perfectly summarises the frustration that caused this film's ending to be as it is and why the ending feels so potent and genuine:
"When I originally wrote the script, I wanted a ray of hope at the end. And so the original ending of the film was, after walking and walking and walking in the park, the woman decides that yes, she would like to extend her hand and ask for love. So she goes back to the apartment and waits for the sleeping man. That was the original ending. Then I waited for the new park to open in Taipei. And when it opened, I saw that it was the same as a few days before, nothing had changed. It was in no shape to open, but it opened. And with that disappointment in my heart, there was no way I could shoot the original ending. And so this is how the ending came about."
Placing Steamboat Bill Jr. on this list feels a bit odd. It's a wonderful film, definitely. It's wonderful in that way that many Buster Keaton films are wonderful, full of charm, humour and this sense of poetry in showing someone persevering against all obstacles in his path even if the odds are inevitably wildly not in his favour. So I enjoyed it very, very much, but nothing about the film itself makes it worthy of this list seeing as it has so much in common with the other great films from Buster Keaton. This film is on this list not just because I very much enjoyed it, but also due to the context under which I very enjoyed it: down in Bath in one of the gardens, sitting on a blanket watching a nighttime outdoors screening of this and One Week among an audience that seemed to be having just as good a time as I was. It was a lovely evening.
Last of all, possibly the film I most look forward to seeing again. Urszula Antoniak's Nothing Personal isn't among my very favourite films of the year, but I did love it quite a bit. The mood of the film is wonderful, you can feel it undulating and pulsating, but the film is also very charming and its look at solitude was something I could really connect with. The more I think about it though the more it grows on me and the more I have the urge to revisit it. I think I've become aware over the last several months about on quite how personal a level this films speaks to some parts of me.
Sunday, 18 December 2011
30 Day Lolita Challenge, Start! Day 1: 10 things about your lolita bubble
Thought I'd start the 30 day lolita challenge! With a couple caveats. First, there are a few days I think are irrelevant and a bit silly and so have no intention on doing (E.G. "Your Facebook profile picture", "A picture of your handwriting"). I also don't intend to do the almost-30 days in order or over a period of almost-30 days: there are a bunch of days I'm not actually able to do yet, some days I'd want more time to do, and also I feel it'd be quite nice to spread them out among other blog content over a longer period of time.
With all the preamble over:
Day 1: 10 things about your lolita bubble
(as is the case with many other bloggers I'm not quite sure what "bubble" is meant to mean in this context, but nonetheless I shall try to write something that feels appropriate)
1. I fell in love with lolita pretty much the moment I saw it, but it took me something like five months before I started to like sweet lolita (with the exception of bittersweet stuff which I've always liked). Of course I now adore sweet lolita and it's my favourite substyle of lolita clothing <3
2. The dress that converted me to loving sweet lolita over a period of a couple days was this:
I love it so, so much! :D
3. When I discovered that black sweet prints are sometimes refered to as bittersweet I couldn't stop squeeing!
4. Despite reading so many lolita secrets posts and forum posts saying that lolitas are accepting of brolitas I'm still really rather nervous about going to my first ever lolita meet..
5. When I'm in a lolita-mode I'll occasionally spend an hour or more looking through hello lace pages (for example looking a bunch of JSKs by Angelic Pretty) and pretty much dying of happiness seeing all the pretty stuffs and imagining owning them! Seriously, the most amazing website ^_^
6. It's reached the point where I'm having to outright avoid going on EGL Comm Sales and the Facebook sales groups because I just know I'll end up buying something :P Once Christmas is out of the way though I'm going to be spending my life on them under the logic that shortly after Christmas people may be selling a bunch of stuff from their wardrobes, something like that.. Basically I want more dresses :)
7. I'm not quite sure if my favourite brand is Angelic Pretty, Innocent World or Moi-meme-Moitie. All three are dear to me for very different reasons. Ultimately though, given a bit more time, I think it's likely that Angelic Pretty will become my favourite of the three.
8. I would love to have the confidence and for it to be culturally acceptable for me to wear lolita outside on a frequent basis. That said, I doubt I could honestly wear it every day.
9. I really need to actually buy some skirts at some point.. I prefer JSKs and OPs by quite a bit and I think they suit me more too, but skirts are more versatile and a lolita wardrobe without skirts isn't quite right :P
10. It's my belief that lolita outfits always need more bows. Always.
With all the preamble over:
Day 1: 10 things about your lolita bubble
(as is the case with many other bloggers I'm not quite sure what "bubble" is meant to mean in this context, but nonetheless I shall try to write something that feels appropriate)
1. I fell in love with lolita pretty much the moment I saw it, but it took me something like five months before I started to like sweet lolita (with the exception of bittersweet stuff which I've always liked). Of course I now adore sweet lolita and it's my favourite substyle of lolita clothing <3
2. The dress that converted me to loving sweet lolita over a period of a couple days was this:
I love it so, so much! :D
3. When I discovered that black sweet prints are sometimes refered to as bittersweet I couldn't stop squeeing!
4. Despite reading so many lolita secrets posts and forum posts saying that lolitas are accepting of brolitas I'm still really rather nervous about going to my first ever lolita meet..
5. When I'm in a lolita-mode I'll occasionally spend an hour or more looking through hello lace pages (for example looking a bunch of JSKs by Angelic Pretty) and pretty much dying of happiness seeing all the pretty stuffs and imagining owning them! Seriously, the most amazing website ^_^
6. It's reached the point where I'm having to outright avoid going on EGL Comm Sales and the Facebook sales groups because I just know I'll end up buying something :P Once Christmas is out of the way though I'm going to be spending my life on them under the logic that shortly after Christmas people may be selling a bunch of stuff from their wardrobes, something like that.. Basically I want more dresses :)
7. I'm not quite sure if my favourite brand is Angelic Pretty, Innocent World or Moi-meme-Moitie. All three are dear to me for very different reasons. Ultimately though, given a bit more time, I think it's likely that Angelic Pretty will become my favourite of the three.
8. I would love to have the confidence and for it to be culturally acceptable for me to wear lolita outside on a frequent basis. That said, I doubt I could honestly wear it every day.
9. I really need to actually buy some skirts at some point.. I prefer JSKs and OPs by quite a bit and I think they suit me more too, but skirts are more versatile and a lolita wardrobe without skirts isn't quite right :P
10. It's my belief that lolita outfits always need more bows. Always.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
F is for Friends
So I've changed the title of my blog slightly. Whilst it used to be "Frills, Films, Friends and Foxtrot", it is now merely "Frills, Films and Foxtrot".
Although I could change it without telling anyone and edit previous posts appropriately (I yet to have any followers so I doubt anyone would notice the change), I'd still rather be upfront about the change. I think the title sounds better in its changed state (including "Friends" in the title sounds a bit too treacly and sentimental, and things naturally sound more effective grouped in threes than grouped in fours), but alas that was not the reason I changed it.
The four things to which the original title eluded - lolita fashion, films, my friends and latin and ballroom dancing - were meant to be the four things which make me happy, and indeed they are. But I think I'd prefer the title refer to the things which almost only make me happy and rarely make me sad, and regretably friendships must be excluded from that list.
Before I say anything more I will say that friendships overall are very positive things. My life now that I have friends is so, so much better than before I had friends, and the happiness, support and sense of belonging that you can get from friendships is wonderful.
That said friendships aren't perfect and can be a source of sadness quite unlike any other. I find myself highly sensitised when around friends to an extent that I'm not when around others: suddenly the slightest comment of theirs which doesn't sit right with me can upset me, the slightest strange look or weird inflection in their voice can make me paranoid that I've done something wrong or that they're judging me, and there's a constant feeling of inferiority and that I'm not good enough. When I'm around my friends is when I'm at by far my most internally emotionally volatile.
I also get clingy and possessive with friends in a way that can be unpleasant. To be away from them for any great deal of time can be frustrating and even emotionally painful (I'll often attend things I'm not interested in attending just because I know my friends will be there and I'll get to see them). I'm also possessive in the sense that I want my friends to pay me attention, and I want to feel like I'm even half as important to them as they are to me. It doesn't help that my friendgroup seems to naturally be very unaffectionate: I think I've been hugged at most once in the last three months.
There are other saddening elements of friendship too, but I won't go on about it any more partly because I don't want to seem like I'm moaning (I'm simply just explaining my own viewpoint on things) and partly because ultimately the positives do far outweigh the negatives. Nonetheless I have found that I've needed to develop at least a tiny bit of emotional strength (and also some coping methods, such as how I'll sometimes leave my friends to be on my own for a few minutes if I need so time to recompose myself) in order to cope with the negatives so that I can reap the benefits of those positives.
So whilst friendships do make me happy, including them in the title of the blog seems to be simplifying something that is actually very complex.
Although I could change it without telling anyone and edit previous posts appropriately (I yet to have any followers so I doubt anyone would notice the change), I'd still rather be upfront about the change. I think the title sounds better in its changed state (including "Friends" in the title sounds a bit too treacly and sentimental, and things naturally sound more effective grouped in threes than grouped in fours), but alas that was not the reason I changed it.
The four things to which the original title eluded - lolita fashion, films, my friends and latin and ballroom dancing - were meant to be the four things which make me happy, and indeed they are. But I think I'd prefer the title refer to the things which almost only make me happy and rarely make me sad, and regretably friendships must be excluded from that list.
Before I say anything more I will say that friendships overall are very positive things. My life now that I have friends is so, so much better than before I had friends, and the happiness, support and sense of belonging that you can get from friendships is wonderful.
That said friendships aren't perfect and can be a source of sadness quite unlike any other. I find myself highly sensitised when around friends to an extent that I'm not when around others: suddenly the slightest comment of theirs which doesn't sit right with me can upset me, the slightest strange look or weird inflection in their voice can make me paranoid that I've done something wrong or that they're judging me, and there's a constant feeling of inferiority and that I'm not good enough. When I'm around my friends is when I'm at by far my most internally emotionally volatile.
I also get clingy and possessive with friends in a way that can be unpleasant. To be away from them for any great deal of time can be frustrating and even emotionally painful (I'll often attend things I'm not interested in attending just because I know my friends will be there and I'll get to see them). I'm also possessive in the sense that I want my friends to pay me attention, and I want to feel like I'm even half as important to them as they are to me. It doesn't help that my friendgroup seems to naturally be very unaffectionate: I think I've been hugged at most once in the last three months.
There are other saddening elements of friendship too, but I won't go on about it any more partly because I don't want to seem like I'm moaning (I'm simply just explaining my own viewpoint on things) and partly because ultimately the positives do far outweigh the negatives. Nonetheless I have found that I've needed to develop at least a tiny bit of emotional strength (and also some coping methods, such as how I'll sometimes leave my friends to be on my own for a few minutes if I need so time to recompose myself) in order to cope with the negatives so that I can reap the benefits of those positives.
So whilst friendships do make me happy, including them in the title of the blog seems to be simplifying something that is actually very complex.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Will work for monehs!
A wild bugbear appeared!
Seriously though, jobs - what is up with them?
A friend of mine has just managed to secure a Summer placement earning ludicrously large amounts at an investment bank. Another friend of mine is applying for placements, and has an idea of the sort of broad field she ultimately wants to work in. Though I'm happy for both of them, I guess it's also just a tad dispiriting because I still don't have the slightest clue where I want to work. It's weird because as a child I'd do that thing most children do of finding a job that I liked the sound of and insisting I'd be that when I grow up (of course, you'd know that 6 months later the far younger version of me would have his heart set on a completely different job). And now that I'm older I just don't have the slightest clue what I want to do, and it really bugs me because I feel like I should have at least some sort of idea of what sort of job I want to work towards getting.
As if to help me narrow things down, jobs that I don't want:
- Jobs (and especially low paying jobs) which you can do without some sort of skill or training (counting my maths degree as a kind of training here). I don't want to end up as a waiter or working in a shop or anything like that.
- 9-to-5 office jobs where you do essentially the same or very, very similar things every day. So for example banking, or actuarial work. The monotony and repetitivity essentially - in my eyes - make them a higher paying and more skill-requiring version of the aforementioned waitering. I want to on some level actually like my job.
- Research, simply on the basis that I know I'm not quite smart enough for it.
- Teaching children/young teens. Partly because I tend to find kids annoying, partly because those sorts of jobs are more about imparting social skills (which...I wouldn't be good at :P) than imparting knowledge and understanding, and partly because it would hinder my opportunities to wear lolita clothing (as I don't want parents thinking I'm creepy).
- This should go without saying, but also anything which I'm unlikely to ever be qualified to do (so for example I'm never going to be a doctor).
That already wipes out a fair number of jobs. Some day I may know what to go for, but this is a start at least.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Favourite Boardgames Discovered in 2011 (part 1)
It's somewhat strange to think that it was under a year ago when I first played The Settlers of Catan for the first time (whilst we're at it, I'll add that it's weird to think that I've known my two best friends for under a year - going out for food before playing Settlers with them was the third time I'd spent time with either of them). Playing it showed me something I'd not realised: that boardgames could be fun!
I went through that phase most children went through of being made to play boardgames by their parents, the boardgames in question either being dull and poorly designed (Monopoly) or just not very interesting (word games like Scrabble: apologies to Scrabble fans!). I've really enjoyed Chess for quite a few years, but up until recently haven't refered to it as a boardgame (perhaps because I didn't want to associate it with games like Snakes & Ladders that are tedious and based almost entirely on luck).
So playing Settlers was a bit of a revelation. Yes there's still luck involved but you take account of this luck when deciding what you're going to do, and the theme of the game as well as the degree of player interaction makes for a very fun time. Since then I've slowly been trying out a bunch of other games (I've probably tried out 10 or so games for the first time this year, which isn't many but is definitely a start). This post is meant as a kind of summary of my favourite boardgame discoveries this year.
My favourite game that I discovered this year is definitely Agricola. In it you and up to 4 other players play farmers. Your farm starts with just a modest two room house and two family members. Over a period of 14 rounds (and 6 harvests) you attempt to make your farm be worth as much as possible by ploughing fields, sowing and growing crops, building fences, raising animals in said fenced areas, expanding and upgrading your house, breeding new family members, buying improvements (such as ovens or wells) and so on, all the while trying to make sure your family don't starve and trying to hinder other player's progress.
The game has hardly any luck involved (the family version has no luck whatsoever involved, whilst the full version has a tiny bit of luck based on which cards you're dealt at the beginning of the game), and this along with the sheer number of options you have and the ways in which all these options are interlinked makes the game challenging and - particularly considering how pleasing it is to see your farm grow in front of you - rewarding. It's quite a complex game (we accidentally mangled at least a few rules the first time we played it) but once you get the hang of it it's great fun. I've still only played the family version and eagerly await the opportunity to play the more complex version.
Part 2 coming soon
I went through that phase most children went through of being made to play boardgames by their parents, the boardgames in question either being dull and poorly designed (Monopoly) or just not very interesting (word games like Scrabble: apologies to Scrabble fans!). I've really enjoyed Chess for quite a few years, but up until recently haven't refered to it as a boardgame (perhaps because I didn't want to associate it with games like Snakes & Ladders that are tedious and based almost entirely on luck).
So playing Settlers was a bit of a revelation. Yes there's still luck involved but you take account of this luck when deciding what you're going to do, and the theme of the game as well as the degree of player interaction makes for a very fun time. Since then I've slowly been trying out a bunch of other games (I've probably tried out 10 or so games for the first time this year, which isn't many but is definitely a start). This post is meant as a kind of summary of my favourite boardgame discoveries this year.
My favourite game that I discovered this year is definitely Agricola. In it you and up to 4 other players play farmers. Your farm starts with just a modest two room house and two family members. Over a period of 14 rounds (and 6 harvests) you attempt to make your farm be worth as much as possible by ploughing fields, sowing and growing crops, building fences, raising animals in said fenced areas, expanding and upgrading your house, breeding new family members, buying improvements (such as ovens or wells) and so on, all the while trying to make sure your family don't starve and trying to hinder other player's progress.
The game has hardly any luck involved (the family version has no luck whatsoever involved, whilst the full version has a tiny bit of luck based on which cards you're dealt at the beginning of the game), and this along with the sheer number of options you have and the ways in which all these options are interlinked makes the game challenging and - particularly considering how pleasing it is to see your farm grow in front of you - rewarding. It's quite a complex game (we accidentally mangled at least a few rules the first time we played it) but once you get the hang of it it's great fun. I've still only played the family version and eagerly await the opportunity to play the more complex version.
Part 2 coming soon
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